If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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