i jhust puked up my retainher.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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