APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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