1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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