I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
