it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Houston, we have a squirter
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
