So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
