yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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