Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize