I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
