If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
