Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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