my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
