Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize