I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
did i walk over a car last night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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