yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
