Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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