my mouth tastes like poor choices
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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