I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
where am i from again
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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