I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
