If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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