I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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