I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
