Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
