What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
