I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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