I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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