dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
