Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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