matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
