i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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