So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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