OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
