i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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