I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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