the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize