Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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