I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
