I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
