I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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