Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
