She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
