you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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