remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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