youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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