Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
