after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
