if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This baby is an asshole
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
