a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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