I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
