This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
