Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
