Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
