So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
