This is not my ceiling
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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