You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
