Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize